Two weeks after I had Sarah was when I was diagnosed with my blood clot. She was taken from me in the hospital and I thought my heart might break when they took me through one set of doors and she went through another. That night I cried to anyone who would listen that I missed and needed my baby. My nurses urged me to calm down and rest so that they could make sure I could still be a mother to my children. When I woke up the following day, my heart hurt and my arms ached for her. My only connection to her was the milk being transported from the hospital to her bottle. When I arrived home, I have never felt such relief as when she was placed in my arms. I got to hold her again. I had made it home.
The following weeks, my ability to be a mother was taken from me. I could do nothing but sleep, eat and nurse. In those days, God gave me purpose in Sarah and I think it saved my mental health. If I couldn't teach and read to my children, at least I could nurse and sleep with Sarah. Babies need to be held and I was doing a lot of holding. As I began to get a bit better, that is literally all I did; I sat in my chair and held Sarah. Fourth children rarely get this kind of touch and attention, but I am so thankful for those four months where she did nothing but sit in my arms. While she lay there, I often sang her "You Are My Sunshine", and she was. Her bright smile and need for my arms, gave me purpose when I thought I had become useless to my family. Being able to nurse her and hold her helped nurse me back to health.
Every baby holds exponential hope for the world and Sarah's was felt by all those around us during that time. Most women look back on the first year of their child's life and can see how much they took care of that child. But I look back on Sarah's first year and can only think of how much she took care of me. I am eternally grateful for her joy and light in a time of great darkness.
Sarah, you bring immeasurable joy to this family. Your brother and sisters adore you almost as much as you adore them. Daddy is already your knight in shining armor. Your loving and vibrant spirit can be seen by all those around you and we can't wait to watch you grow. Thank you for taking care of me in my darkest moments. Thank you for being my hope in a time when hope seemed lost. I thank our loving Creator everyday for the blessing you are. I love you, my sunshine!
I occurred to me that just as you held your little sunshine your heavenly father was holding you in his hands stroking your head an singing you are my sonshine.
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