Despite my extreme lack of blogging lately, I refuse to give this blog up. Even if it becomes an occasional writing, it will still be a good history of our life at this time. And a good outlet for me when needed.
I'm usually the happy pregnant woman. The one with no morning sickness, who hardly gains any weight and who's babies aren't terribly large. The aches and pains of pregnancy that some women tend to feel for months in pregnancy, I can only scarcely remember towards delivery day. Except this time...
God has challenged and humbled me in so many different ways this pregnancy. To start, it took almost a year to even conceive this child. God tried my patience and trust in His plan when, for the first time in my life, it didn't match my plan at all. After the joy of finding out we were pregnant came morning sickness for 12 solid weeks with two small children staring at me as I tried to shew them from the toilet while I puked. Feeling sick and tired all the time made me miss my old self and I wished so badly that I could just force myself to be in a good productive mood. In all my pregnancies I have had to take progesterone injections twice a week, and while I am used to this, it is still a hard and mentally agonizing thing to have your husband give you shots twice a week for nearly 35 weeks. Through all this, I knew that the morning sickness had an end in sight and the second trimester brought a renewal of spirit and some much needed energy.
Then came the 26 weeks mark, when all of the sudden I couldn't roll over in bed or move my legs certain ways without extreme pain in my pelvis. With a little research and confirmation from my midwife, I was diagnosed with Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. It's a nice long term that means the cartilage that holds one's pubic bone together in the front has softened too much, and my pelvis has become misaligned causing extreme pain when I move certain ways. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but have never been in such constant agonizing pain. The kind of pain where it's all you can think about and all you want to talk about. The kind where I had to think about EVERY step I took or movement I made to make sure it didn't cause an extreme sudden rush of pain. I cried every night at the thought of laying in bed, as this was (and still sometimes is) the most uncomfortable place to be, and rolling over is the hardest and most painful movement to make (if you have ever been pregnant you know how many times a night you need to roll over). It was humbling to watch my children try so hard to help me by bending over for me or offering to "rub my back". I had to sit on the couch and think about all the stuff around the house that needed to be done while not being able to do a thing about it. It was mentally agonizing and extremely humbling. Through all this, I had to learn to depend on my husband in a way I never really have had to do before. He did all the work at his office and all the work at home. His constant acts of service made me fall in love with him all over again and showed through action he really did mean "in good times and in bad."
The most dreadful thing about the pelvic problems was the lack of hope. Everything I read on the Internet said to rest and that the issue would resolve after the baby was born. That at best, I may be able to still walk by the end of this pregnancy but that crutches and wheelchairs were common with this condition. And just when I was at the end of my rope, there came hope. A simple book written by a Physical Therapist that my dear friend just happened to have. To make an already long story shorter, the book gave me hope beyond belief and a regimen for eventual healing. If I stick to a pelvic exercise routine every day, twice a day and continue to pay attention to my movements, I am about 90% pain free most days (minus common pregnancy pains).
There are still nine weeks to go and I pray that I can enjoy them the way I did my other two pregnancies. And while I don't know if this baby is a boy or a girl, I can steal feel his/her tiny kicks and wiggles, reminding me that at the end of all of this is a sweet little soul to hold and nourish in God's love.
Alive not Dead: an Adventure through Life
1 year ago