Tonight was a rough night. My husband goes to school twice a week which means I am alone putting the kids to bed. The rest of the day is fine; it's bedtime that always gets me. Peanut was exceptionally whiny this evening and I attempted to put him to bed at the normal time. If I haven't mentioned it before, I should mention now that Peanut doesn't say much yet; he uses some baby sign, but doesn't say many words. This, often times, leads to him being frustrated that I don't know what he is saying, and me being frustrated that I don't know what he is saying. He can communicate quite a bit with sign, but not everything. Tonight was no exception. As I placed him in his crib (while holding Miss Belle in my arms. Did I mention she doesn't like to be put down?) he was still whining/crying and kept signing "ball" and "daddy". I had no idea what he was trying to say and he was very upset about it. Long story short, after about thirty minutes of him crying, Miss Belle crying and trying to figure out what he needed, I lost it for a moment. I hate when my emotions control my actions. To be honest it is a rare occasion for me, but when it happens it is usually a quick blow up and then a quick cool down. I was so frustrated that I decided to give up on bedtime. I grabbed Peanut out of his crib, pushed his little back and told him to get out of his room in a not so nice tone of voice. He was nothing less than hysterical.
As I held my screaming daughter and watched Peanut ball his eyes out, I was reminded once again: he is little. He doesn't understand why mommy is frustrated or why she isn't being nice to him. He just continues to try and communicate in the only and best way he knows how. I know a lot of people would say this isn't a big deal, that we all loose our tempers sometimes. But the guilt one can feel after intentionally treating their child in an unkind and irrational way is only something another parent could understand. How I treat my children now is important whether they remember it or not. In these formative years, they will learn how to function in society and how to treat other people. More importantly, the way my husband and I treat our children will affect the way they see their heavenly Father and mother.
My children are young and there are many years to come in their formation. When my part is finished, I want my children to hear the word mother and think of a kind, compassionate and loving person, not a tired, stressed out woman who is always on edge. I know this is only one occasion and there will most likely be many more where I lose my temper, but that is no excuse for the behavior. Every occasion effects not only my soul, but the soul of my child which God has entrusted to me. May God grant me patience and peace so that I may raise saints for His heavenly kingdom.
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