11 Going on 20

 Two months ago you turned eleven years old. I've gone to write this blog post many times and have been stuck; not because there aren't a million great things to say about you, but because you are one of life's great treasures that I feel will be lost in mere words. Still, words are important, so I will attempt to capture at least some of who you are. You turned eleven, but truly it feels like you are twenty some days. I don't mean to suggest you are a child who likes to act too grown up for your age, but rather that  you possess great wisdom and maturity. You have an amazing ability to be mature, yet still maintain imaginative play and a light hearted nature. You are a very quiet child and prefer to keep your deep thoughts to yourself. You are exceptionally diligent in work and school and like nothing better than to have a list in which to check things off. 

This year you started to be a "mommy's helper" for several families. It's hard for me to let you go do this work when I feel like you do so much of it at home already, but you beg to go and are always such a help to those you serve. Often times, moms will compliment you in amazement on how well you folded all their laundry, did their dishes or mopped their floor. When I speak to my friends, they will often comment on how much easier their life would be if they "just had an Annabelle!" 

More than anything, I am proud to watch the progress in character you have made and strive for every day. Just the other day a friend was lamenting about the tantrums her child is currently struggling with. I responded by saying, "You should have seen the tantrums Annabelle used to throw. They were epic!" The friend was aghast, "Annabelle!!! No! She's so calm and composed!" I wish I could say this was due to some magical parenting trick, but it is mostly due to your hard work and determination to be a holy and Godly woman. I have literally watched you want to lose your self control and go flying off the wall with emotion, and then slowly gather yourself, take a breath and choose the better road. I have watched you pick up your sister's clothes for the millionth time and want to scream in annoyance, but gather your patience and act in kindness instead. I watch you everyday treat Miriam with the sweetest and most loving kindness as if she were the most precious child on earth. I watch you in mass, almost daily, with your book full of devotional prayers as you reverently and consistently try to grow closer to Our Lord. I watch you in complete awe and wonder what I ever did to deserve a daughter like you. You are incredibly beautiful on the inside and out. 

I look forward to watching you grow and change in these coming years of adolescents. I hope and pray to be an example to you of a Godly woman. I love you, Annabelle and am so proud to be your mother. 

Sarah Turns 6!

 "Mommy, do I have a book like the other kids? The kind you wrote in when I was a baby"

"No sweetie. By the time you were born, I didn't have much time to write in those books anymore. I'm so sorry."

"It's ok mommy. I love you. You're the best mommy in the world."

Conversations like this happen on a daily basis with you, my Sarah. You live up to your baby given nickname every single day. You are SUNSHINE on the darkest days. Your smile and contagious belly giggles brighten the whole family. You are constantly at my side, asking how you can help me, climbing on my lap and asking to read stories. You are naturally extraverted and are always looking for the next person to play with or the next conversation to be had.

One of the most fun things to do is watch you interact in a group of kids your age. You are a natural leader and extremely social. You will ask any kid to play with you and come up with the greatest games. You are one of those rare people in life that can make each individual person around you feel special and loved and amazing. You are always willing to put yourself and your desires to the side to maintain peace in a social situation. Being able to balance this while also leading a crowd is quite something to behold in a six year old child.

This is your first year of homeschooling and you are an amazing student. Most days you come to the table with great eagerness and maintain a positive attitude even when mommy has to help other children in the middle of your math lesson. You aren't reading yet, but your acute memory and sharp mind let us know that it's just a matter of time before the letters click and you are soaring through books. You often ask to "do school" on weekends. I never thought I would have to tell a child, "No honey. You can't do school today."

If mommy or daddy are running an errand you always want to tag along. Even if you are the only one going, you quickly throw on your shoes and race to the car. You talk non-stop to wherever we are going, don't stop the whole time we are there, and continue talking the whole way home. You often have deep thoughts and want to ask questions about Jesus or the way the world works. You are desperate to understand what your older siblings are doing or learning or working on. You get along with them well and look up to each of them in different ways. While you are trying to keep up with the older three, Miriam tries to keep up with you. You love her very much and play with her often. You can often be seen carrying her around as if she is a baby. She's almost as big as you and to watch you walk around with her as she lays her head on your shoulder is quite the funny site.

If I did have time to write in a baby book, this is what I would say: I would tell you that no amount of words written could capture the blessing you have been to me. I would write about how your smile and kind heart are exactly what this broken world needs. You are caring and kind and generous and bring smile and laughter to everyone around you. I would tell you how incredibly proud and unworthy I am to be your mother and how much joy I have watching you grow and change every day. I'm sorry their is no baby book for you, my fourth child, but know that I love you with every fiber of my being.

Time and Space

 It was a bright June day when I started noticing a peculiar habit of Juliana's. Every morning after breakfast, she would run out the front door and sit in the front yard, seemingly doing nothing but staring at the grass. This day was maybe the fifth day in a row she had done it, and as I stood at the window I watched her peaceful, dainty hands stroke the blades of grass. 

The night before my observation, Juliana had lost her earrings for what seemed like the thousandth time. They were the second pair we had to buy her because she had lost the first. She had to use her small amount of allowance to pay for them, and when they went missing she was naturally devastated.  Tears rolled down her cheek as she searched everywhere for the tiny silver hoops that had just arrived the previous day. We asked for St. Anthony's help, but eventually decided it was time for bed before finding them.

The next morning, when Juliana decided to come in from her new morning grass staring ritual, I asked if she wanted to go check eggs with me. As I grasped her delicate hand in mine and stepped onto the back porch, I spotted her tiny earrings laying on the concrete! What a terribly strange place for earrings to be! Great excitement and relief came from Juliana as she quickly snatched them up and held them tightly in her hand. 

"You should thank God and St. Anthony for helping us find those!" I told her.

"I already did", she replied matter of factly.

Surprised, I inquired further. "You thanked them, just now, that quickly?" 

"No, I thanked them when I was in the front yard this morning saying my prayers."

I tried to bring clarity to the situation by asking her if she thanked God for helping before the earrings were found, and she replied that she had. She couldn't seem to understand what was strange about this. I tried to press further, my mind trying to grasp what was going on in my seven year old's spiritual life.  

"What else did you tell God when you were praying?"  

Juliana shrank back from me, her eyes lowered and her voice became quiet and shy, "I don't like to tell people what I pray. I think it's just supposed to be between me and God."

I respected her privacy and grabbed her hand to head towards the chicken coop. After about five paces, she stopped suddenly. "Mommy, I don't really pray to God. I more like talk to God and ask Him questions. I ask Him what He is like and how His ways are and then I try to hear what He says. I only really pray, like ask for things, at church."

I was obviously very shocked to hear my seven year old basically describe contemplative prayer in her own sweet way that day. 

In days since, I have thought a lot about our conversation. I have mostly thought about the gift that time and space is for little children (and maybe big ones too!). If Juliana had been hauled off on a school bus that morning, if she had had an ipad to grab or a daycare to get to, she wouldn't have had the space or the quiet to run into the front yard, stare at the grass and contemplate His ways. It has given me a renewed sense of gratitude for the gift of homeschooling. It renews my firm belief that staying home with your children to witness and be a part of these little moments is worth more than all the money  or earthly prestige in the world. 

Happy Birthday #5

I'm a little late on this, but better late than never!

Dear Miriam,
What indescribable joy you have brought this family! From the moment you entered this world you have been adored by everyone around you. You are not a docile calm baby but make your opinions known and "speak" your mind. There is no fear that you will be forgotten in the crowd because your strong and persistent spirit won't let that happen!

You are happy most of the time and if you aren't , someone is always ready to fix your problems. You love to sit and look at books and are extremely physically advanced. You climb on and in anything you find. Sometimes we see you next to an open box or container of some sort and you ALWAYS try to fit yourself in it! You love to be outside and walk around like you own the place. You have no fear of the chickens running around the yard and could sit at the fence for hours watching the neighbors' dog run back and forth. One of your favorite outdoor activities is to be pulled along in the wagon. Sometimes we find you sitting in there just waiting to be pulled.

You have a special affection for your brother. I always joke that you are trying to make up for not being a boy to him. Anytime he picks you up, you instantly lay your head down on his shoulder. You love to just sit with him and cuddle. You even let him put you to bed every night. You love to walk around the house with a baby doll in your arms, patting and rocking them as you go. You are extremely busy and like to get into everything around you.

You have brought so much joy, laughter, beauty and light to this family. We are forever blessed by your presence and can't wait to watch you grow!

The Year of the Cross and Finding Joy

One year. Those two words rang through my mind so many times in 2019. While Miriam's birth and entrance into this family brought more joy than we could ever have imagined, my body didn't respond very well to the stress of sleepless nights and an unplanned move just a few months after she was born. I fell deep into a postpartum depression that manifested itself through insomnia and anxiety. There were many days and nights where I thought I would end up in a mental institution because something had to be done! I clung to the cross, I clung to my husband and I clung to the hope that someday I wouldn't feel this way. I cried so many tears of mommy guilt as I looked into my baby's deep blue eyes wishing she would grow up so things could get better. Aren't we mothers supposed to tell our kids not to grow up? Aren't we supposed to mourn every time they move up a size in clothes? I couldn't do it this time. I stretched my imagination far and often looking for that time when she would be one year and things would get easier. I have carried some heavy crosses in my short twelve years as a wife and mother. Five years ago today I sat in an emergency room wondering if I was ready to die because death seemed to be standing on my doorstep. But even thinking back to that moment I can say with complete honesty that no cross has ever been as hard, dark and life altering as this one.

Miriam is a year now. She toddles everywhere, gets into everything and still brings buckets of joy to our days. She is perfect and pleasant in every way. She doesn't need to nurse as often and sleeps fine without me right by her side. But the truth is, we are two months past a year and I still struggle. Most nights I still don't sleep well and there are some days. though not as often, when I am still plagued by anxiety. And so I stretch my mind to the far future in hopes that I will heal slowly and someday this cross will be a distant memory.

During my pregnancy I had almost constant spiritual consolation. God felt near in every moment. His peace flooded my soul. Shortly before this I had three strong urgings by the Holy Spirit to pick up a devotion to The Sorrowful Mother. I did begin a devotion, knowing full well that this probably meant a big cross of some sort was coming. Also during 2019, at the beginning to be precise, I was given the word "Joy" to meditate on for the year. I will admit that for most of the year this confused me greatly. How could my word be joy when I had never cried so many tears in my life? It seemed like a cruel sock to the gut when I was supposed to know joy but only felt sadness. While I'm still not completely clear on the true mystery of joy, I have found one thing to be true: Mary's greatest joys are amazingly close to her sorrows. The presentation of Jesus led to Simeon telling her how much she and He would suffer. Birthing the Son of God meant fleeing in the middle of the night for fear of His life to a land they knew not. Finding Him in the temple was preceded by three agonizing, anxiety ridden days of searching for her only son. Finally, only by standing at the foot of His cross and holding his bloody and mutilated body could she experience the joy of His resurrection. So if there is one thing I have learned it is that in a mysterious and beautiful way, all our true joys in life must be tied to heavy crosses; and while the weight of this cross has not been lifted, my eyes are set on the hope of the future. In the meantime, I am reminded every day that joy itself sits right in front of my eyes in the form of a babbling baby. Miriam is joy, and every sweet smile she gives me makes the weight of this heavy cross seem insignificant in the light of her eternal soul.

Number 1 Isn't Such a Peanut Anymore...

Our sweet first child, and only son, turned 11 a couple of months ago. The fact that he is the oldest and the only son makes this mama have a slight mental break down every year he gets older. I can't believe how fast he is growing and the wonderful young man he is becoming. Peanut's number one goal in life right now is to make people laugh. He will do anything to put a smile on someone's face. While he is still trying to figure out what kind of humor flies and what kind gets shot down, he succeeds most of the time in his ventures. He is incredibly witty, quick and smart. Sometimes his desire to make people laugh gets him in a bit of trouble (by me) at our homeschooling co-op as his desire to be funny overrides his desire to listen to his teacher. Lucky for him, he is smart and knows most of what is being taught already anyways.

He is growing everyday in virtue and tries very hard to become a better brother and more obedient son. He is great at playing with his sisters and especially adores #5. He asks to hold her all the time and cuddles her when she is sad. His sisters look up to him in every way and he is always successful in making them laugh.

This year Peanut shot his first deer and it was surely a moment to remember. He did a great job listening to the instructions of his father and making Belle feel as ok with everything happening as possible. I'm sure this hunting season will be the first of many in his life. On a daily basis at home, Peanut helps out a ton with the chickens and the two cows we have. He never complains when he is asked to do chores outside and is always willing to give a helping hand.

If I had to name one passion for Peanut these days it would be his love of the mass. He LOVES to serve mass. He cries when he can't. I can't remember a day when we dropped him off at church that he didn't literally RUN all the way into the church. He asks to serve daily mass as often as we are able to go and is always looking for ways he can be a better server. As he grows, I pray this love of the mass stays with him always. I am so beyond proud to call him my son.

Peanut, you are an incredible young man. Your love for truth and our Lord are inspiring to me and I hope that only continues to grow in you. Thank you for always being so willing to forgive me when I mess up. Thank you for knowing when I need a hug even before I do. Thank you for your constant love and sweetness and effort. I love you with all my heart and am so proud of you.

The Birth of Miriam

On December 9th we attended a beautiful Advent devotion at the Bishop's cathedral. Grandma Valerie had flown in several days before and we tried to fill the days with distractions as we all awaited your arrival. We sat at the cathedral and listened to a choir that sounded like angels sing the old Psalms and heard scriptures read about Christ's coming. That evening, almost all seemed right in the world.

After returning home from the Advent devotion, I couldn't fall asleep. It was after midnight and was now December 10th. I was uncomfortable and tossed and turned. I decided to get up and use the restroom for the hundredth time and felt warm fluid drip down my leg. I knew my bag of waters was leaking. The time was 1:30am I woke up your father who immediately jumped out of bed (rare for him) and started putting things together. With my last two births happening very quickly, we knew we had to move fast if we were going to make it to the hospital. I had one real contraction and Max insisted on calling our doula and doctor. I hesitated, thinking that it was crazy to call anyone after just ONE contraction. He had no intention of listening to me, made two phone calls and told me we were going. Through the next three contractions I quickly put on some mascara, threw a few last items in my bag and complained about how crazy it was to be leaving so early. Max shuffled me to the car and we were on our way.

I rode most of the way with my eyes closed, breathing through contractions which were getting more and more intense. What I did see was several stop signs passed by and a few red lights passed. Max knew more than I did how quickly we needed to get there. When we finally arrived I asked Max to please let me wait for our doula to arrive before we went in. With the next two contractions, I started to make pushing noises and we both knew we needed to start walking, without our doula, or this baby was going to be born in the car.

Once inside, I made a beeline for the bathroom. In my primal state, I wanted to be in a tiny room where no one could see me. Looking back, and Emergency Room bathroom probably wasn't the cleanest place to choose. I waited there until Max told me a wheelchair was ready for me. Generally, I would have rather walked to the labor and delivery unit, but I knew that if I attempted that walk I wouldn't make it to the 5th floor with a baby still inside me. I was wheeled up to labor and delivery while Max made small talk with the tech pushing me. This annoyed me to no end, but Max is always polite and amiable, no matter what situation we are in.

We arrived at triage and I breathed through another contraction leaning up against the wall. I thought back to the sign on my mirror at home with a quote by St. Rose de Lima, "Pain is never permanent" and found strength and comfort in that truth. A nurse asked me to lay in the bed and get strapped up to monitors. I told her there was no physical way I could possibly lay in a bed. She didn't like this very much and told me for the sake of my baby's health we needed to check on her. I asked where my doctor was and heard her say behind me, "I'm right here." Relief flooded me. She told the nurses I needed to be checked right away as I had precipitous labors. At this point my doula arrived. Again, relief flooded me. I was asked to get on the bed to be checked and instinctively got on the bed on my hands and knees. I thought in my mind, "Whatever needs to be done has to be done like this because I am not moving!" With the next contraction I could feel baby Miriam coming down. Dr. L. checked me and said I was complete and ready to push, which I already knew. With the next contraction I pushed while placing my hand where I could feel Miriam coming. As her head emerged, I was able to feel every inch of it and control my pushing. With one more contraction, at 2:41am, her tiny body slipped from mine and she was lifted to my chest. She was pink and tiny and beautiful. Everyone in the room was shocked at the short length of the labor; 70 minutes from the first contraction to a baby in hand.

Miriam, you are a joy to behold and sweetness incarnate. I wake every day excited to snuggle you and behold the ways in which you will grow. I love you sweet baby girl.

Trust and Peace - A Much Needed Update

How has it been 11 months since I last posted? How have I not even mentioned here that this little one will join us in 6 weeeks?

Isn't he/she cute? I think so already. Look at that button nose. I sit here 34 weeks pregnant feeling sweet kicks all over my belly thinking about the year gone by. In February I went on a silent retreat where I felt God speak into my heart that it was time for another baby. And here I wait, with a swollen belly, ready for this little one to completely turn our world upside down. The word of the year has been "trust", and it has been tested for me over and over again. Trust that I would have a healthy pregnancy. Trust that I would find a good doctor and be at peace with delivering at a hospital. Trust in leaving our old homeschooling co-op to try something completely new. Trust that God would provide grace to become a better wife and a better mother. He never disappoints,  not even for a moment. Not only has there been abundant grace, but there has also been profound peace covering me like a warm winter blanket on a cold night.

The children are all amazing. They deserve to be written about every day, not once a year. Maybe the once a year writings will still mean something to them someday. Maybe it will help them understand just how much they are loved and cherished by this undeserving mother.

Peanut, you're not so much a peanut anymore. This year you turned 10. I had a mini breakdown over it. You who are my first born and my only son...how can you be 10? You are not only an amazing child, but an incredible person and friend. Your social skills continue to amaze me. You can hold a conversation with a group of adults and make them all laugh with your great sense of humor. You are incredibly intelligent. You retain almost everything you read and can spit out facts about history and things of the world much more readily than I can. This year you became an altar server and there has only been a few Sundays where you didn't serve. You love it. One Sunday, we went to the Latin Mass parish and you cried because you wouldn't be able to serve. You work so hard to serve well and I'm so proud of you every time I see you on the altar. You are an amazing son; always quick to help me. If you see me upset or stressed you naturally come give me a big hug to try and make me feel better. You are a wonderful brother and your sisters all love playing with you. I hope you realize someday how much they look up to you.

Miss Belle, I don't even know how to put into words how much you have changed this year. You are a deep thinker and always striving to be and do better. You are constantly helping me around the house, not because I asked, but because you have the heart of a servant. You will probably never know how much this means to me and helps me until you are a mom yourself, but for now, know that I'm abundantly thankful for it. You love to have a to-do list and to plan and write things. You have the work ethic that many adults still lack. I'm amazed every day to watch you pull out your school on your own and complete tasks without being asked. You love to go to social things and be with friends. This year you struggled with a small attitude problem and I've never seen an eight year old tackle a problem with so much dedication and hard work as you did. At 8 years old you were able to pray about it, talk about it and not let yourself be ruled by your emotions. You taught yourself to change how you acted or what you said, even though you felt like doing something else. It's been incredible and inspiring to watch. I'm so proud of you and proud that you are my daughter.

Jules, you are 5 now and as sweet as ever. You are still a sensitive soul and think big deep thoughts for someone your age. You are so kind to everyone you meet and will often put yourself aside to make someone else happy. You love to give hugs and kisses and tell mommy and daddy how much you love them. I hope you never get tired of that. This is your first year homeschooling and you are doing amazing. You are eager to be doing "big kid" things and often get frustrated with yourself if you can't do something perfectly the first time. You don't like me to help you very much, but like to be independent when you work. Sometimes I call you Snow White because you have such a way with nature. One day you spent two hours catching butterflies in a jar, looking at them and releasing them. I've never seen so many different butterflies caught in one day. You catch other bugs and things all the time, only to be amazed by God's creation and then let it go again. I love watching you grow and hearing all the deep thoughts that flow through your mind. Thank you for loving so unreservedly and with everything you are.

Sarah Cat, I'm mourning the loss of you as the baby. For so long now, you have been the littlest and that's all about to change. You would probably be mad if you knew I called you little, because you are sure you are very big. You have social skills like Peanut, the will of Miss Belle and the sensitive heart of Jules. You never seem to meet a stranger and everyone loves you. You can say something so matter of fact and confidently, but when gently corrected you ball your eyes out as if the world crashed down on you. It's truly fascinating to observe. You are such a light to this family. Peanut and Miss Belle will still hold you like you are 2 and Jules is always trying to get you to play "mom" wherein you are the baby. You are so well loved and such a blessing to this family.

Now is the part where I would normally promise to write more, be more, and try more. But after skimming this blog in all it's years here, I realize that every time I write, it's completely worth it whether it's been a year or a day. Sometimes I let the fact that I haven't written in so long, actually keep me from writing (as weird as that sounds). So, I promise to write when I can and find peace in that.

The Things They Say (14)

From the backseat of the car:
#1: "#3 what do you think marriage is all about anyways?"
#3: "Well we kiss on the lips a lot, then I put a ring on him and he puts a ring on me and then...well...what do I need to ask my husband to do?"


A neighborhood boy was interrogating #1 about homeschooling and meanly stated, "Your mom is no better than my teacher!" #1 replied, "Well then your teacher must be pretty great!"


#3: I'm not even going to say the 'S' word! Because I don't know the 'S' word.


#1 Pointing to where his back hurt: "Well...I was shot right there with an air soft gun. Except it was a little higher up and on the other side..."

3 Years Old for #4

Dear #4,

Today you are three years old. While you are still little, something about three seems so big. I know you are no longer a baby in any way, but turning into a sweet little girl. Your personality shines a little brighter every day. You have both a strong spirit and a very sensitive one. You stand your ground for what you want, but if we say no firmly, you ball your eyes out. Sometimes it's a hard thing to balance. Tonight when we sang you "Happy Birthday" you were smiling in your chair, then suddenly you got up and started running away crying saying, "I don't want this song!!!" You kept running all the way to the hallway with big crocodile tears rolling down your cheeks. I guess being the fourth child, you aren't used to THAT kind of attention. Maybe it was to much for you. It makes for a very cute and funny memory.

 You have an incredible imagination. Anything can turn to pretend play quickly in your world and you are actually really good at playing by yourself. Your bed can be a ship, the coffee table a house and a chair turns into a bus ride. It's incredibly fun to watch you play. Most of the time you like to play with your baby dolls. You carry them all around the house, feeding them, wrapping them up in blankets, kissing them and sometimes putting them in time out. #2 and #3 often play "mom" or "honey" (as you call it) with you. They make you be the newborn baby who cries and needs help with things. As you get bigger, this gets more entertaining to watch as they try and cradle carry your three year old body around like a newborn. You don't seem to mind though, as long as someone is playing with you.

You love #1. You two share some kind of special bond. #1 really needed a sister who thinks the world of him and your love has been such a gift to him. You let him comfort and hold you almost as easily as you let mommy do it. In fact, sometimes you prefer him over me. In the mornings you love to go in his room, climb into bed with him and say, "nuggle me tames". I hope this relationship flourishes and stays as beautiful as it is now as your grow older.

You love to be read to. You are perfectly content to just sit on my lap and listen to stories for long lengths of time. While you are definitely growing more independent, at three years old you are still very attached to me. As long as mommy or daddy is at your side, you are perfectly comfortable talking to complete strangers when we are out. In fact, sometimes I have to stop you from talking when you have gone on and on for a while and we need to go. You love to tell people about your day, say hello and give random compliments. I know you are totally your own person, but in some ways you are a little bit of James, Belle and Jules all combined. Those three love you to death and probably spoil you more than they should. If you are crying, they are all trying to figure out how to make you better. And if you are being goofy, they think the whole world should be watching and laughing too.

You are such a joy to this family and a joy to this world. I am soaking up these moments of your littleness because I know they will not last much longer. I know with everything in me that you will grow to be a bright light in this dark world. I love you Sarah, and am so proud to be your mommy.

10 Years

Ten years ago I did something that everyone thought was crazy. I got married. I hadn't finished college and was a very newly 20 years old. Most people thought we should wait to get married. Wait to finish school. Wait till you have good careers. Wait for more money. Wait till you have traveled. Wait, wait, wait. Looking back it had to have been pure grace that kept me moving towards an altar instead of a diploma. I look back on my 20 year old self and remember how excited I was to start my vocation. I could have never imagined what the last ten years have held. But even back then, I knew marriage would be hard at times, and that no matter how hard it was, marriage was for keeps. Somehow this base understanding, coupled with my naivete regarding exactly how full of life the next decade would be, did me well. I was able to jump headfirst into marriage, without ever looking back.

In the past ten years Max and I have had 4 beautiful babies. Two of these babies came into the world with only the two of us present. We have moved 6 times and lived in 7 different places we called home. We have been up countless times together with sick children. We have spent so many nights talking till midnight trying to solve the world's, and our own, problems. We have said way too many goodbyes to friends we love and made amazing new friends along the way. We have survived my traumatic brain blood clot and the four month recovery afterwards. We have prayed and cried and accepted how that day completely changed how our future might look. We have remodeled a house and learned to raise chickens. We have watched Max's father suffer with cancer and draw his last breath. I have held him in his pain and he has held me in mine. We have seen really dark days where the joy in marriage seems like a thing of the past. We have been blessed with abundant grace to always forgive, never hold grudges and plow through till the sun shines once more. No, I didn't know that life would hold all of this ten years ago, but I know God placed me on the path of His will.

The night before our ten year anniversary I was reflecting on our marriage and something came to my mind. In the entirety of our marriage, Max has never once said an accusatory phrase to me. He has never said, "You're so fill in the blank" or "You always..." Those words have never come out of his mouth unless they are followed by something positive. How many women can say that? I wish I could say this went both ways, but I have sadly accused Max of being very many things in our marriage. Thankfully, he is a very forgiving man.

The last ten years have held life and death and fear and trust. They have held so much pain and so much joy. I couldn't imagine sharing it all with anyone besides Max and I look forward to the next decades we spend together. May God give me the grace to be the wife He calls me to be. And may Max have patience while I try and get there.

#2 Turns 7

Most days it feels like you are 12, not 7. Yet, when I look back through the years, they have gone by so quickly that I wonder how you are 7 already. This year you have matured beyond belief. Like when you were two, you still prefer me to anyone in the world, but you have grown in confidence and self-knowledge this year and it is amazing to watch. You are still a quiet child. When I take you somewhere by myself, you prefer to sit with your own thoughts rather than carry on a conversation. The things you do talk about are questions you have already mulled over in your mind for quite sometime.

You are a constant help with your two younger sisters. Helping them and teaching them comes so naturally to you. You have made great friends this year and like nothing more than to go play with the neighborhood kids. You actually get frustrated with the few extracurricular activities we do, because you would rather be home playing. You have been working with a friend next door on some gymnastics. What took me three years to accomplish in classes, you have perfected in about five months. You have also started to play the piano and are still enjoying horse back riding. You thrive on positive reinforcement and completely shut down when people get angry or insulting towards you. You love to make people laugh and it has been awesome to watch you learn the best ways to do that (without making potty jokes). You are strong in who you are, but have a sensitive spirit when you feel that someone isn't treating you well. The people you choose to give your heart to, you love with every ounce of your being. 

Every year that goes by I am more impressed by the young lady you are becoming. I am beyond proud of you and feel so blessed to be your mother. I hope that as the years pass, you grow deeper and deeper in love with Christ and that I can help form you into the woman He created you to be. I love you my sweet daughter. 

Jules Bug Turns 4

A few weeks ago you turned 4. I am amazed every day at the little sweetness of your soul. You no longer fit in with the babies; you are definitely a "big girl" now. You follow #1 and #2 down to the woods all the time and try and do everything they are doing. When we homeschool, you sit there with a little book and "write" and complain that "this is sooo hard!" When I sit and read with you (which you would do ALL day if I could) your little mind and imagination open up and you are so quick to observe things and learn all you can. Even at this young age I can see that you will have a tendency towards perfectionism. Sometimes you will draw a beautiful picture, but when I tell you how beautiful it is, you will point out a mistake you made that really bothers you. While perfectionism may be a hardship in things like drawing and school, I'm sure it will help you, in some way, become the woman God has created you to be.

You love St. Therese and Mary are constantly offering "little sacrifices". You shock your father and I with your natural tendencies towards God and the greater good. If there is a toy you want that Sarah wants also, you will say, "I guess I'll make a little sacrifice" and let Sarah play with the toy. You often make little sacrifices for your older siblings too. When we pass graveyards you always say we need to pray and sometimes you randomly want to pray for things that "pop" into your head. The random things you tell me sometimes about God and the things you think about are humbling and amazing. One day in mass you leaned over and said, "Mommy, God is everything and we are nothing. That is what I always think about." Another time you told me, "Mommy, all God wants is for us to love him a lot, pray and make little sacrifices. I know that because He taught me that." Saying things like this and thinking about these things comes so naturally for you and I hope that never stops.

You are still the sweet and quiet calmness of this family. While you don't just sit back and take being bullied by the older children, you are much calmer and less easily upset than anyone in the family. We could all learn a lot from you. You are extremely sensitive and can easily cry if I even speak a harsh word to you. You still love to climb up on my lap and cuddle. I hope that doesn't stop anytime soon.

Jules, you bring so much joy to this family it is hard to put into words. I thank God everyday that you are here. I am so blessed and unworthy to be your mother and I'm sorry for all the times I have failed you. My prayer for you is that you always stay as close to Jesus as you are now. I pray that the world doesn't steel your sweet, sensitive spirit and that you grow to be a Godly woman. Thank you for teaching ME how to love Jesus each and everyday. I love you sweet daughter.

Love,
Mommy

The Youngest Turns 2

So much changes from year 1 to 2. Over the course of a year you have transformed from a little baby, to a vibrant and strong willed toddler. So much about you reminds me of #2 when she was your age, although you are definitely uniquely your own person. These days you still stay close to Mama. In that way you are still little. You constantly want to sit on my lap, stand next to me and hold my hand. Although at times I act like I want you to go play on your own, I know these times will not last forever and I try to cherish them.

You are talking more and more every day. We are at a stage where I understand most of what you say, but to the outside world it is gibberish. It's like our own secret language. You enjoy playing with your brother and sisters and never let them run you over. You are quick to stand up for yourself and shout if things don't go your way. You do not have a docile spirit, but you are as sweet as they come. You love your daddy almost as much as you love me. When he comes home from work, you shout
for joy and run to hug him. He still considers you a tiny baby and holds you whenever he has the chance. Neither of us are ready for you to grow up.

You are often in the spotlight of our family with your cute dances and silliness. You can make us all laugh, and the more we laugh, the more you act silly. Your siblings enjoy getting you to do things that they find funny for their own entertainment. You love to sing and will often pick up my prayer books and sing to yourself for a good amount of time. Anytime music comes on anywhere you automatically start shaking your hips and dancing around. It's the cutest thing!

You have a naturally sympathetic spirit. If you ever see me cry, you run up to me, say you are sorry and give me a hug. Even though you are strong willed, you are also very sensitive. It's like a combination of #2 and #3. When you do something wrong, all it takes is a strong "No" and you are broken into tears. Your feelings can get hurt very easily by mommy and daddy. You love to take care of baby dolls more than anything and can almost always be seen with one in your arms. They are always getting milk or being strolled and you love them as if they were real.

I have enjoyed beyond belief watching you grow this year. It has been amazing to see your bold and sweet personality come to life. Thank you for always loving me and for all the hugs, kisses and snuggles. You are a great light to this family and I can't wait to see you mature into the young lady God created you to be. I love you my sweet Sarah!

Mommy

The Things They Say (13)

I made my children a very special chocolate waffle breakfast one morning and #1 was staring at how #3 was only eating the whipped cream and strawberries off the top and not the entire waffle. Very firmly he says to her:

"#3, you love those waffles with the wrong kind of love. You only love them for their whipped cream and not for the entire waffle as a whole!"

I didn't know all the stuff we have been telling him about love, purity and the world was actually sinking in, but if you can relate spiritual teachings to your breakfast, I guess that means it is...

My older two forgot to brush their teeth before leaving for co-op while my 3 year old remembered to brush hers. I was teasing the older two about this and said, "Everyone is going to run away from you guys when they smell your dinosaur breath!" Without a second passing #1 says, "Well, at least we still have our good looks!" This kid's humor is the best!
#2 running in from outside: "Mom, I know how to play volleyball! I'm really good!"
Me: "Yay! Now I have someone to play with!"

#2: "Ok! I'm going to go back outside and keep practicing my kick!"

Today I was telling #1 how the real tale of Little Red Riding Hood Ends, "In the real tale, Little Red Riding Hood gets eaten and nobody saves her. It was a tale to teach children not to talk to strangers." 
#1: "Moral of the story is, 'Don't talk to strangers. They may be cannibals!'" 

Happy Birthday #1!

Waiting for you to come out of your co-op class on the Tuesday before your birthday I hear a little boy telling your sternly, "Remember James, my mom's phone number is 555-5555" As we walked to the car I asked, "James, why was that little boy giving you his mom's number?"

"Oh! Because I invited him to my birthday party!"

"Who else did you invite?"

"Everyone in my class!"

Too bad for you, on your 8th birthday your dad had to be in Ohio and the "party" was kept to a very few people including Mimi and Papa. But if you had your way, you would have had every person you ever met there, and enjoyed each of them. You are so social and love to be around people. You are always up for play dates, shindigs and dinners with friends. I think you get that from your Grandma's side.

This year you have matured beyond measure in every way: spiritually, academically and emotionally. Sometimes I sit in awe of you and the young man you are. The curiosity you had as a very small child has not left you, and you know more about world history than I do, just from your own reading. Your attention span in homeschooling has gotten greater and made this the best year of homeschooling yet. I wish I could sum all of you up in this simple blog post, but you are too special and complex to do so.

This year you have taken a great liking to St. John Paul II and this seems to have lit a fire in you like never before. One day after listening to a talk about your beloved saint, you told me you were going to do a 40 day fast from sweets since JPII prayed a lot and Jesus spent 40 days in the desert. I honestly thought it would last a few days, but a week in and you were still going strong. On Sunday I told you you could eat sweets because we don't fast on Sundays. While biting into your cookie, you asked simply, "Mommy, did Jesus come out of the desert on Sundays?" You didn't waver from that fast the entire 40 days. You fasted better than I have in my entire life, offering your sweets up for the intentions you set out before you. This is only one example of the way you humble me and make me want to be a better person everyday.

A few weeks ago, we had company and a 13 year old boy (who we have known many years) was at our home. In the course of a year, this boy went from my shoulder, to towering over me. From a sweet high pitched voice, to a low man's voice. As you walk by my side these days, still hovering at armpit level, I know the days are coming fast where you will tower over me. As you reach out to hold my hand in mass, I know the days are coming quickly where you will no longer want to. I know the days are coming where our conversations can be more complex and I pray they are as open as they are now. I pray you never stop thinking everyone is your friend. and I pray you never ever lose the great love for learning you have.

Through this year of moving and transition, of having to say goodbye to old friends and making new ones, of experiencing the death of your BooBoo, of getting used to family being hours and hours away, you have handled everything better than I could have ever imagined and I am so proud of you. It's something you have done since you were little; if there is a problem, you seek to fix it. If there is a cloudy day, you will find the sunshine in everything. You always try to look on the bright side of things. You feel immense compassion for those that are suffering, and I have seen you cry FOR other people more times in your little life than most adults do in a lifetime. May you always find the light in the darkness, and may you continue to be a shining star in this world. I love you my son!

Mommy

Life in a Small Town

The other night I spent a good amount of time reading some older posts on this blog. While it lifted my spirits to read about so many happy memories, the tone of my writing was striking to me. I can read between the lines that there was a simplicity to my life when I first started my blog that no longer exists. My writings seem the be light and cheerful. Life feels heavier now than it did back then. Maybe it's the increase of work with four children as opposed to two, or maybe it's the crosses I have been called to carry, but life is definitely heavier now than it was four years ago.

We are living in a very small town for eight months. Actually we are almost to the end of those eight months and I have written very little about them. When we moved to a small town, I expected something like in the movies where everyone is  kind and warm and inviting.  I was worried that at the end of the eight months there would be another round of painful goodbyes, but I was determined not to let that keep us from making friends. Now that we are almost to the end, I can honestly say there is not one person to say goodbye to. The small town has let me down. People were very friendly when we first moved here, but it was almost like no one needed anyone else. Like because everyone has been here forever, they have their little communities in place and have no need for one more person. I was all but shunned from the homeschooling co-op, and not once were we invited anywhere but to a protestant church. The silver lining in it all is that I have definitely learned that I prefer to live near a bigger city. It's a good thing to know about oneself.

We bought a house last month. It's out in the country and on five acres. We moved away from family and friends back to Oklahoma to pursue this "land and farm" lifestyle that we know very little about. I can feel that God's hand has been in every part of getting us here, and I know that owning land and having animals has been on both Max and my heart for a very long time. On the normal day where I'm stuck in this 1200 square foot home with none of my own things while the kids go crazy (literally) and I don't have a friend in sight, the faith that we are in the heart of God's will is the only thing that keeps me going. It's strange how we can be hurting and lonely and not necessarily the happiest we have ever been and still know that we are doing His will. What a grace and comfort this is.

These past months have stretched me in ways I haven't been stretched before and I thank God for that. In all the things I have experienced in life (which isn't a ton), I have never really been lonely. But here I am lonely. The few friends I do have live an hour and a half away and my kids aren't in any activities that would foster new friendships. Christ was lonely. All His friends left him in His time of greatest need. And if He was lonely, I can be lonely. This small town cross I have been asked to carry is really small in the grand scheme of things. But even the smallest crosses can be carried with great love if we let Him lead us.

Moments

I'm laying on the living room floor checking the news on my phone and my littlest daughter is walking all around me. I don't see her, I'm too into the news. Then I lay my phone down and watch her dancing around the floor, wondering how many of these moments I have missed. How many more moments I will miss because of the phone in my hand.

It took me a long time to get a smartphone. I waited as long as I could, but when we moved, and I knew no one and was trying to navigate around a new place without any direction, facetime and google maps seemed more important than my prior convictions. I don't hate the phone. I actually really like it in a lot of ways. I used to look at people with smartphones in their hands in public places and get mad and angry that they weren't present to those around them. While I do my best to keep my phone away while others are present, I now understand how easy it is to quickly "check something".

The thing is, I'm sure that this "checking" stuff, is never more important than the people right in front of us. How can a news article, facebook, the weather or a text possibly compare to the person right in front of us? Especially when that person is my own child, wanting nothing more than my attention.

Life is really nothing more than thousands upon thousands of tiny moments strung together in a web of memories. My fear is that, in the very short time I have had a smartphone, I have already given too many of these moments away. I have looked at a screen instead of into a child's eyes. I have mindlessly wandered around my phone instead of reading a story or talking to my kids.

I have thought about this so much: why do I want to be on the phone? The simple answer is, mental laziness. It's so much easier to read an article or scroll through Facebook instead of sit with my own thoughts. I used to think and pray as I nursed the baby to bed every night. Now, most of that time is spent looking at my phone. We used to have these moments all the time before smartphones took over the world. A quick trip up an elevator. waiting in the grocery line, sitting in the car waiting for kids, waiting in the doctors office, going to the bathroom. All of these were short spurts of time where our mind could go blank and just think for two seconds without being bombarded with a million other things. What if these small moments are actually really important and we're just throwing them away on a screen? There is something I am learning quickly about having a smartphone: If you aren't intentional about the way you use it, it can steel a lifetime of moments from you. It can make those people right  in front of your eyes feel unimportant and ignored.

So why do I keep my smartphone after this rant? I've thought long and hard about this one, and here is the truth (at least for now). I believe when my kids are older, there will be no simple phones left. I believe I have somewhat of a moral obligation to teach my kids that this tool of their generation can be used responsibly and well. For me that means putting the phone away during homeschooling, and other one on one time with the kids. It means leaving it in the car when we go on picnics. Turning it off when I know I can't ignore a text. It means leaving it in the living room when I put the baby to bed at night. It means always being present and aware of those around me. It means getting rid of it if I can't do these things.  I refuse to have my kids memories consist of fighting for my attention over a phone. I refuse to let it steal these precious and fleeting moments.

My Little Belle Turns 6

I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. I remember laboring with you and being so excited to meet my little GIRL! I remember when they laid you on my chest and you looked mad at the world,  like you couldn't figure out what just happened. I kept asking the midwife why you weren't crying and she said you were perfectly fine.

I remember your first year of life where all you did was cling to me. You liked and wanted no one but me, and sometimes those days seemed like they would never end. You walked with me, sat with me, slept with me. We were always together.

I remember when you started to gain independence with such fierceness we didn't know what would come of it. No matter how many times your brother knocked you over, you got back up and wanted to keep playing. I remember figuring out how strong willed you were and knowing I would have to handle you in a different way than your brother.

I remember when you started to talk and we finally could hear all the sweet thoughts that went on in your head. When we took you public places you stood back and watched before ever going to play. People were amazed that such a "strong" child would react to public places with a sense of shyness, but this was just another misconception people had about you. You are comfortable around those you know, but it takes time for you to give your heart or energy to those you don't.

I remember the years when you threw huge tantrums. Not because you were a bad kid, but because you longed to do things the way YOU wanted to do them and when you wanted them done. I remember figuring out that holding you and hugging you through a tantrum sometimes did much more than leaving you there alone. I felt so sorry for you that you got yourself so upset.

I remember when you started going to pre-school and found your first friends that weren't your siblings. You truly do love other children who are kind and caring, and can spot an unkind one a mile coming.

This year you are six and I have so many emotions. I am so incredibly proud of who you are becoming. That fierce and independent spirit you had as a child is still present, but you have channeled it into kindness, compassion and servitude. Whatever "strong will" you had as a small child is now starting to serve you to your benefit and it's incredible to watch. You are the first to help me whenever I am in need. You are the first to help anyone in need. You notice when people are sad or hurt or afraid and you run to help. You are an amazing sister to your brother and your smaller siblings. You read to #3 every night, you carry #4 around everywhere she wants to go. You wrestle with your brother, even though there are much funner games you might rather be playing. You have a superbly joyful spirit and you are as creative as they come. These days you love to read and draw and color. You would do projects all day long if I let you. Most days you are homeschooling before homeschooling even starts; doing our math worksheet and handwriting before I have even finished breakfast. You are a natural born leader (which is why you and your brother fight) and love to be in charge of a game. You love nature and flowers and everything pretty. I hope that never changes.

This birthday has also brought me sadness. I know you are only six, so this may seem silly, but you have matured beyond my imagination this year. You no longer need me every moment or want me to solve your problems. You can figure them out just fine by yourself most times. You figure things out about the world in your own mind and then come to me with your conclusions. You won't let me help you pray because you want to figure out your own prayers all by yourself.  You want to forge your own path forward in life, and while I know you will do an excellent job, it's hard to let go of you little by little. This year more than any year, you have let go of me a little more; I am happy and sad and beyond proud of who you are. I love you my sweet Belle. Happy Birthday!