Trust and Peace - A Much Needed Update

How has it been 11 months since I last posted? How have I not even mentioned here that this little one will join us in 6 weeeks?

Isn't he/she cute? I think so already. Look at that button nose. I sit here 34 weeks pregnant feeling sweet kicks all over my belly thinking about the year gone by. In February I went on a silent retreat where I felt God speak into my heart that it was time for another baby. And here I wait, with a swollen belly, ready for this little one to completely turn our world upside down. The word of the year has been "trust", and it has been tested for me over and over again. Trust that I would have a healthy pregnancy. Trust that I would find a good doctor and be at peace with delivering at a hospital. Trust in leaving our old homeschooling co-op to try something completely new. Trust that God would provide grace to become a better wife and a better mother. He never disappoints,  not even for a moment. Not only has there been abundant grace, but there has also been profound peace covering me like a warm winter blanket on a cold night.

The children are all amazing. They deserve to be written about every day, not once a year. Maybe the once a year writings will still mean something to them someday. Maybe it will help them understand just how much they are loved and cherished by this undeserving mother.

Peanut, you're not so much a peanut anymore. This year you turned 10. I had a mini breakdown over it. You who are my first born and my only son...how can you be 10? You are not only an amazing child, but an incredible person and friend. Your social skills continue to amaze me. You can hold a conversation with a group of adults and make them all laugh with your great sense of humor. You are incredibly intelligent. You retain almost everything you read and can spit out facts about history and things of the world much more readily than I can. This year you became an altar server and there has only been a few Sundays where you didn't serve. You love it. One Sunday, we went to the Latin Mass parish and you cried because you wouldn't be able to serve. You work so hard to serve well and I'm so proud of you every time I see you on the altar. You are an amazing son; always quick to help me. If you see me upset or stressed you naturally come give me a big hug to try and make me feel better. You are a wonderful brother and your sisters all love playing with you. I hope you realize someday how much they look up to you.

Miss Belle, I don't even know how to put into words how much you have changed this year. You are a deep thinker and always striving to be and do better. You are constantly helping me around the house, not because I asked, but because you have the heart of a servant. You will probably never know how much this means to me and helps me until you are a mom yourself, but for now, know that I'm abundantly thankful for it. You love to have a to-do list and to plan and write things. You have the work ethic that many adults still lack. I'm amazed every day to watch you pull out your school on your own and complete tasks without being asked. You love to go to social things and be with friends. This year you struggled with a small attitude problem and I've never seen an eight year old tackle a problem with so much dedication and hard work as you did. At 8 years old you were able to pray about it, talk about it and not let yourself be ruled by your emotions. You taught yourself to change how you acted or what you said, even though you felt like doing something else. It's been incredible and inspiring to watch. I'm so proud of you and proud that you are my daughter.

Jules, you are 5 now and as sweet as ever. You are still a sensitive soul and think big deep thoughts for someone your age. You are so kind to everyone you meet and will often put yourself aside to make someone else happy. You love to give hugs and kisses and tell mommy and daddy how much you love them. I hope you never get tired of that. This is your first year homeschooling and you are doing amazing. You are eager to be doing "big kid" things and often get frustrated with yourself if you can't do something perfectly the first time. You don't like me to help you very much, but like to be independent when you work. Sometimes I call you Snow White because you have such a way with nature. One day you spent two hours catching butterflies in a jar, looking at them and releasing them. I've never seen so many different butterflies caught in one day. You catch other bugs and things all the time, only to be amazed by God's creation and then let it go again. I love watching you grow and hearing all the deep thoughts that flow through your mind. Thank you for loving so unreservedly and with everything you are.

Sarah Cat, I'm mourning the loss of you as the baby. For so long now, you have been the littlest and that's all about to change. You would probably be mad if you knew I called you little, because you are sure you are very big. You have social skills like Peanut, the will of Miss Belle and the sensitive heart of Jules. You never seem to meet a stranger and everyone loves you. You can say something so matter of fact and confidently, but when gently corrected you ball your eyes out as if the world crashed down on you. It's truly fascinating to observe. You are such a light to this family. Peanut and Miss Belle will still hold you like you are 2 and Jules is always trying to get you to play "mom" wherein you are the baby. You are so well loved and such a blessing to this family.

Now is the part where I would normally promise to write more, be more, and try more. But after skimming this blog in all it's years here, I realize that every time I write, it's completely worth it whether it's been a year or a day. Sometimes I let the fact that I haven't written in so long, actually keep me from writing (as weird as that sounds). So, I promise to write when I can and find peace in that.

The Things They Say (14)

From the backseat of the car:
#1: "#3 what do you think marriage is all about anyways?"
#3: "Well we kiss on the lips a lot, then I put a ring on him and he puts a ring on me and then...well...what do I need to ask my husband to do?"


A neighborhood boy was interrogating #1 about homeschooling and meanly stated, "Your mom is no better than my teacher!" #1 replied, "Well then your teacher must be pretty great!"


#3: I'm not even going to say the 'S' word! Because I don't know the 'S' word.


#1 Pointing to where his back hurt: "Well...I was shot right there with an air soft gun. Except it was a little higher up and on the other side..."

3 Years Old for #4

Dear #4,

Today you are three years old. While you are still little, something about three seems so big. I know you are no longer a baby in any way, but turning into a sweet little girl. Your personality shines a little brighter every day. You have both a strong spirit and a very sensitive one. You stand your ground for what you want, but if we say no firmly, you ball your eyes out. Sometimes it's a hard thing to balance. Tonight when we sang you "Happy Birthday" you were smiling in your chair, then suddenly you got up and started running away crying saying, "I don't want this song!!!" You kept running all the way to the hallway with big crocodile tears rolling down your cheeks. I guess being the fourth child, you aren't used to THAT kind of attention. Maybe it was to much for you. It makes for a very cute and funny memory.

 You have an incredible imagination. Anything can turn to pretend play quickly in your world and you are actually really good at playing by yourself. Your bed can be a ship, the coffee table a house and a chair turns into a bus ride. It's incredibly fun to watch you play. Most of the time you like to play with your baby dolls. You carry them all around the house, feeding them, wrapping them up in blankets, kissing them and sometimes putting them in time out. #2 and #3 often play "mom" or "honey" (as you call it) with you. They make you be the newborn baby who cries and needs help with things. As you get bigger, this gets more entertaining to watch as they try and cradle carry your three year old body around like a newborn. You don't seem to mind though, as long as someone is playing with you.

You love #1. You two share some kind of special bond. #1 really needed a sister who thinks the world of him and your love has been such a gift to him. You let him comfort and hold you almost as easily as you let mommy do it. In fact, sometimes you prefer him over me. In the mornings you love to go in his room, climb into bed with him and say, "nuggle me tames". I hope this relationship flourishes and stays as beautiful as it is now as your grow older.

You love to be read to. You are perfectly content to just sit on my lap and listen to stories for long lengths of time. While you are definitely growing more independent, at three years old you are still very attached to me. As long as mommy or daddy is at your side, you are perfectly comfortable talking to complete strangers when we are out. In fact, sometimes I have to stop you from talking when you have gone on and on for a while and we need to go. You love to tell people about your day, say hello and give random compliments. I know you are totally your own person, but in some ways you are a little bit of James, Belle and Jules all combined. Those three love you to death and probably spoil you more than they should. If you are crying, they are all trying to figure out how to make you better. And if you are being goofy, they think the whole world should be watching and laughing too.

You are such a joy to this family and a joy to this world. I am soaking up these moments of your littleness because I know they will not last much longer. I know with everything in me that you will grow to be a bright light in this dark world. I love you Sarah, and am so proud to be your mommy.

10 Years

Ten years ago I did something that everyone thought was crazy. I got married. I hadn't finished college and was a very newly 20 years old. Most people thought we should wait to get married. Wait to finish school. Wait till you have good careers. Wait for more money. Wait till you have traveled. Wait, wait, wait. Looking back it had to have been pure grace that kept me moving towards an altar instead of a diploma. I look back on my 20 year old self and remember how excited I was to start my vocation. I could have never imagined what the last ten years have held. But even back then, I knew marriage would be hard at times, and that no matter how hard it was, marriage was for keeps. Somehow this base understanding, coupled with my naivete regarding exactly how full of life the next decade would be, did me well. I was able to jump headfirst into marriage, without ever looking back.

In the past ten years Max and I have had 4 beautiful babies. Two of these babies came into the world with only the two of us present. We have moved 6 times and lived in 7 different places we called home. We have been up countless times together with sick children. We have spent so many nights talking till midnight trying to solve the world's, and our own, problems. We have said way too many goodbyes to friends we love and made amazing new friends along the way. We have survived my traumatic brain blood clot and the four month recovery afterwards. We have prayed and cried and accepted how that day completely changed how our future might look. We have remodeled a house and learned to raise chickens. We have watched Max's father suffer with cancer and draw his last breath. I have held him in his pain and he has held me in mine. We have seen really dark days where the joy in marriage seems like a thing of the past. We have been blessed with abundant grace to always forgive, never hold grudges and plow through till the sun shines once more. No, I didn't know that life would hold all of this ten years ago, but I know God placed me on the path of His will.

The night before our ten year anniversary I was reflecting on our marriage and something came to my mind. In the entirety of our marriage, Max has never once said an accusatory phrase to me. He has never said, "You're so fill in the blank" or "You always..." Those words have never come out of his mouth unless they are followed by something positive. How many women can say that? I wish I could say this went both ways, but I have sadly accused Max of being very many things in our marriage. Thankfully, he is a very forgiving man.

The last ten years have held life and death and fear and trust. They have held so much pain and so much joy. I couldn't imagine sharing it all with anyone besides Max and I look forward to the next decades we spend together. May God give me the grace to be the wife He calls me to be. And may Max have patience while I try and get there.